03 January, 2017

First Chapter: How we met and why we tied the knot?

It’s been a while since my last blogpost. I think my mind rest somewhere or i did not find something interesting enough to be written or maybe i let all those thoughts disappear with time. 

Today is the last day in 2016 and I am on my way back to Jakarta from Yogyakarta with Nauval, who vowed to be my life partner a week ago.

As a good friend of us had written our story, i feel flattered actually.. I think one story will not hurt anyone. :D

So we met in April 2015, if I’m not mistaken, I don’t remember the date. But I do remember the place, and who were involved there. What had happened between May 2015 and December 2016 are only important for us hahaha. 

Probably what is important to be shared is why and how I made the decision to marry a person next to me.


I had met Nauval on March 2015 with Agung and Cinta. There was no follow up after the first meeting and I was very OK with that. Life was normal. Meanwhile, my Mom and her relations were eager to introduce me to some men. So they set up some meetings, et cetera. So my days went between photos of men and arguments to meet those strangers. 

Last week of April 2015, I visited Mecca and Medina for Umrah. That was my second visit there. During that time, I have been in an emotional quest to know life better. I was fed up with all the questions to marry someone, of me being picky, of all the unnecessary attention to my love life. I was very arrogant and told my teacher that “Umrah will not get me a husband!”. I was ONLY relying on my efforts, I'd say now, I was too proud of myself.

The constant questions for late-20s women sometimes pissed me off. I was thinking to study abroad to upgrade my skill. But my mom kept saying “Yes, you can. But go with your husband”. How could I possibly do that?! 
I know my stubborn behaviour had consumed my parents energy and I wanted nothing but their peace of mind. Whatever God’s will, I’ll try my best to learn and work on it. At that point, I just submit to God’s will, to help me choose between continuing study or building a family.

"Whoever or whatever came that is under Your will, please make it at ease. I am tired with my own emotional turbulence. I just wanted to find peace." 
I kept thinking and humming about that wish.

I came back from Mecca and there was a second invitation to meet up in a group at Agung’s house, and there was Nauval as well. After the second meeting, we were more relax and open. I was very talkative while Nauval was always be in observing mode. Then, more meetings and whatsapp group chats with him. Then, private chats discussing caliphs, history, world trend, technology, badminton, and other serious stuffs.


My complexity of mind probably compatible with his. 
Our spiritual view are aligned. 
We walk in the same pace. 
Our weirdness meet at some points.
He stays calm amidst my impulsive behaviour.
I feel that we can grow together.

So we decided to meet the family, then got married.
The process were smooth and often without me noticing.

This was the first time ever I involved my Dad to help me decided about my spouse. And it was Dad who helped me decide and supported my choice. 

I think, as long as our intention is pure, the universe will conspire to help us. 

To submit is a hard work, up until now. But I think, it is the ultimate recipe for life and I am grateful that there were chances for us to learn about the human vulnerability.


To Nauval,

How lucky we are to deal with difficulties in finding one another, which in turn enable us to learn about life
If it is not by God’s will, I don’t think we will ever meet
I don’t think our two buddies would come up with the idea to introduce us to each other
I don’t think the story would be written, if it is not God who moves our heart, our thoughts, our chances

In the meantime, 
How vulnerable we are in the season of time 
between tears and laughters
between ache and healing
between desperation and hope

I am humbled by the chances that God has created for us

Let our love for God be the soil of our seeds

20 August, 2016

Wisdom of nature

Life is not meant to be seen only from one side,
it is resembled in our earth form, that is round and floating

Life is meant to be on the move, no matter how slow it is
To see that it has its continuum of time
That the state of life is temporary
As the earth rotates dilligently
The darkness is certain, so as the light
Difficulties will soon fade, just like happiness

Life is meant to be a journey
As our earth travels in tranquility
It does not move in random, it surely has its own path
Its orbit..
To travel cautiously, not to collide with other planets and space objects

The earth knows exactly its mission
to bring various seasons for human
by dilligently rotates and orbitting
to send warning about darkness that comes in our way
to give hope at dawn
to remind people aboutl illussions in our eyes

The philosophy of nature is only can be seen
when we pause
escape to make space in our life
and reflect in iteration

The image become words
the events become sentences
the journey become a book of adventure

Enjoy the flowery episodes of our life
as well as
Embracing the bitter part of life
Until we feel that those are indifference
That our love is become the love of the earth to its creator
Submit to anything comes in our way
and put absolute trust to The Merciful

12 June, 2016

Deaf and Da'wah

I got to post this as a reminder for myself.
I have all, I can see, I can hear, I can talk, I can read, I can recite, I live in big Muslim population, I have access to knowledge.

I have everything,
I .......

No wonder Syeikh Fahad cried.
If he felt embarassed.....

How should I feel?
Ukhti Rebecca, may Allah guide you....
If it wasn't because this episode, I wouldn't ever know this kind of struggle..

Guide us by the Quran, o Allah... :'((

06 June, 2016


Often I am afraid with my energy,
it flares,
sometimes pushing other without me noticing

While you,
you stay like a cool breeze
your steadiness is abiding

I am the one who hold the book open
while you,
you remain a mystery
that force us learning to be unassuming with each other
invite me to submit and look deeper,
to listen
to feel
to observe, closer

you, is you
like me
we are unequivocal human being
with history, feelings, and aspirations

we live with our own wounds from the past
walking toward future upon those scars
it will not be easy
but aren't we learn the most from difficulties?

I hope we both have the courage
to think to discuss to learn
these will not come fast, nor I expect you to be
i am sure that
your simplicity will overcome my shelves of worry

despite my limitations,
do i have something to offer?

22 May, 2016


Pernah satu waktu, saya memutuskan untuk makan siang di taman dan duduk-duduk saja mengamat-amati manusia. Ada masa dimana saya seperti memegang lensa pembesar, masalah kecil terlihat besar dan menggantung-gantung di pikiran. Kondisi yang menyebalkan apalagi ketika masa dimana sedang tidak bisa shalat. Tidak jarang juga saya lupa dan mengambil wudhu saja, hanya untuk mendinginkan pikiran.

Lain waktu, seorang teman seperti tidak bisa menghilangkan kekhawatiran tentang tujuan-tujuan hidupnya. Mendengar ceritanya saya seperti berkaca, meski permasalahannya saja yang berbeda.
Semakin bertambah umur, semakin beragam tantangannya, ujian hidupnya. Kadang saya gugup juga mendengar kisah-kisah di sekitar saya maupun dari media. “oh, masalah seperti itu terjadi tidak jauh dari saya, selalu ada probabilitas saya menjadi salah satu pelaku dalam kisah itu. Will i survive that?” dan kekhawatiran itu kadang hinggap.

·       Ada yang merasa kurang pintar, di tengah komunitas orang-orang yang cerdas.
·       Ada yang merasa kurang harta, di tengah komunitas rekening gendut
·       Ada yang merasa bahagianya kurang lengkap, ketika belum mendapat buah hati
·       Ada yang merasa kurang puas dengan pekerjaannya, di tengah rekan kerja yang memiliki karir yang melesat
·       Ada orang yang mengeluh mengandung anak lagi dan berkali-kali bercanda menyalahkan suaminya, hingga akhirnya amanat itu diambil Yang Kuasa

Tapi, ketika saya mencoba menggali cerita-cerita lain yang pernah saya dengarkan di sisi yang berbeda, hidup itu tetap adil.

·     Ada orang yang merasa bahagia sekali memiliki seorang anak yang mengidap autisme setelah puluhan tahun menunggu dan akhirnya berhasil dengan bayi tabung
·     Ada orang yang pekerjaannya tidak tetap, tapi punya banyak keleluasaan untuk mengurus keluarganya dan menikmati semilir angin di bawah pohon
·   Ada yang bersyukur dengan khusyuk ketika berhasil mengumpulkan receh untuk membayar segelas kopi di plastik dan menafkahi istrinya, dengan recehan
·     Ada orang tua yang harus sekolah malam untuk kejar paket A, agar bisa dapat gaji yang cukup sebagai penyapu jalan

Kurasa, kita cenderung menempatkan hal-hal yang belum kita punya dengan nilai lebih tinggi dari sebenarnya dan membuat kita gugup dan gelisah. Kalau saya berpikir kembali, hal-hal yang belum ada akan berkurang nilainya ketika akhirnya diperoleh. Lalu apa yang membuat hal-hal tersebut menjadi berarti?

Kurasa, ketika kita merasa terhimpit masalah apapun, hal-hal yang paling esensial adalah hal-hal yang membuat kita bahagia tanpa syarat. Bahagia itu sebab, bukan akibat.

Saya mengalami ke-cranky-an luar biasa beberapa waktu lalu, sampai saya perlu berhenti dan berpikir “apa sebenarnya yang membuat saya begitu gelisah?”

Life is not that bad, after all, far from bad.

Kurasa hal-hal yang membuat hidup terasa berat adalah kegelisahan. Saya sendiri mengakui kadang hinggap juga perasaan gugup ketika memasuki tahap hidup yang lebih dewasa ini. Dimana masalah menjadi unik dan kompleks serta melibatkan lebih banyak orang. Nervous to be adult.

Saya mencoba beberapa hal untuk membuat pikiran menjadi lebih ringan, dan hati lebih lapang.
  1. Menambah shalat sunnah. Ulama bilang setiap gerakan shalat mengingatkan kita akan kebesaran Allah SWT. Allahu Akbar, hanya Allah yang paling besar, segala hal yang menjadi beban kita itu kecil super kecil di mata Allah SWT. Tidak sulit bagi Allah, kadang saya saja yang sombong merasa masalah bisa diselesaikan sendiri
  2. Menyambung kembali hubungan yang intensif dengan Al Quran. There is something about this Book, which can only be felt. Ketenangan yang merasuk, damai.
  3. I’tikaf. Berdiam dalam masjid, tidak perlu menginap, hanya duduk menghadiri majelis atau sekedar berdiam dan perbanyak zikir
  4. Menilai segala hal dalam timbangan yang adil, kalau liat yang buruk, cari fakta lain yang baik. Kalau lihat yang berkelebihan, cari fakta lain yang berkebutuhan. Selalu ada yang lebih buruk, namun selalu ada yang lebih baik, tugas kita hanya memberi nilai tambah yang sesuai dengan apa yang kita punya sekarang. Yakin, kita semua punya modal dan kemampuan itu, hanya tidak sama satu dan lainnya.
  5. Enjoy being different.

Kurasa sangat wajar ketika kita mempertanyakan langkah-langkah yang pernah kita ambil dan mencoba membuat masa depan yang lebih baik, kadang kita juga merasa lelah bahwa apa yang kita kerjakan tidak terlihat menunjukan hasil atau mampu menyelesaikan misinya. 

Namun, kita perlu ingat untuk menempatkan tiap kekhawatiran dan kegelisahan pada tempat dan kadarnya. Tidak terlalu abai, pun tidak berlebihan dengan memikirkannya terus menerus. Kadang kita lupa memberi ruang pada iman.

“Maukah kutunjukkan kalian kepada sesuatu yang lebih baik dari apa yang kalian minta?” tanya beliau. “Jika kalian berbaring di atas tempat tidur, maka ucapkanlah takbir (Allahu akbar) 34 kali, tahmid (alhamdulillah) 33 kali, dan tasbih (subhanallah) 33 kali. Itulah yang lebih baik bagi kalian daripada pembantu yang kalian minta.” lanjut Nabi (HR. Bukhari dan Muslim).

Selamat berlelah-lelah, semoga semua bernilai ibadah. J
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