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an open question























What does it take to make an employee feel worthy in their position?

Or that is actually not the right question.

Years ago, my former senior was always asking "what do you like to do here? use this office to grow"

everytime he asked this my mind started wandering, although it was nice to hear, but to be very honest I did not see its practicality. then I asked "if I want to do what I like, then who will take my tasks now?"

He only answered with uncertainty.

Then my premise was right. It is nice to do what I like, but one should always prioritise doing what is necessary.

Once he tried to tackle my task, dealing with spreadsheets, hundred sites to be monitored. Data and monitoring numbers were not familiar in my field, the relationship business. I once designed and working on a database with my software developer consultant, based on what I had learned in my campus. Then I took a 2-weeks leave, it was rebuilt to spreadsheet format. My boss did not like my idea and the on-going project, he changed it without my concerns. The database is neglected until now.

 Then I received many skeptical responses when trying to connect government and their people directly through a communication platform. It has been 3-years, and it still couldn't find a proper home before I leave. Everytime I think about quitting, this "baby" hold me. I should find her home...
Now I am unsure about the decision. I really want to get people participation in the government, then my boss of my boss said "you operate like an NGO"

I hold tight, "I want to do good to society,  I want to fulfill it through this project"

So I stand solid, 4.5 years, to learn, to do, to act, to improve.

I always try to be consistently hopeful, because that is the only thing that I can hold on to

This morning, a villager called, he asked how to address his village's need about electricity.

I felt unsure, each move in this bureaucratic environment will be interpreted differently. So I should watch closely what I should do and what I should not.

I gave him a very diplomatic and procedural answers. I asked his apology and asked him to call me on Monday, workday. I closed the conversation, and think...."am I becoming one of them*"

*them : those who always give a diplomatic answer and falsehope to communities.

Almost 5-years, and I started to question, am I close to be a person whom I want to be? Is this a better version of me?

Does this job take me closer to my purpose? or else, directed me away from it?

I need a plan, a good plan.

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